If At First You Don't Succeed...

try again...and again...and...you get the idea.

Lately, I've been giving myself a bit of unnecessary grief over self-imposed deadlines which I have allowed to lapse; so-called failures and endless attempts at "getting it right". Then something I heard today gave me some clarity and seemed to put it all into perspective--"It's in the attempt". Sometimes...often times... the outcome is completely irrelevant. You see, the outcome is the unknown variable--the x in the equation. All other aspects of each "trial" we conduct are in our total control. Procedure, methodology, environment, etc.--we have the final word on how we choose to go about it. Whatever it is.

For some of us, the it may be going back to school to complete a degree. Perhaps it's fulfilling a life-long/childhood dream or making a career out of something you feel passionately about. You can choose to set the events in motion. And if life periodically stops by to rear its ugly head along the way, interrupting your grand plan--you needn't allow it to discourage you.

I have easily had at least a dozen failed attempts in my lifetime. Some hugely important to me and life-altering. Some not so much of a loss. Great or small, I've always taken some time...taken a few steps away from the "wreckage" in order to assess the damage and take it all in with a fresh pair of eyes and reevaluate. After taking inventory and tallying up the casualties, I make a decision:

a. do it again.
b. do it differently. 
c. cut my losses and walk away.

No matter the strategy or outcome you choose to employ, the one important thing is to leave no stone unturned...leave nothing to chance and most importantly--prevent as many "what ifs" as humanly possible. In the end, it's merely a matter of statistics and probability...and occasionally--luck. Relish in the moments when it all works out, even if it's short-lived. Ponder and count your blessing when the journey is longer and more fun than you could have ever expected. And remember that all success begins with an attempt and even in failure, an attempt at something great is always worthwhile.

Cheers.
-m

Baby, It's Cold Outside

The temperature is dropping. Admit it--you exhale in hopes of seeing your own breath in order to confirm that the winter months are indeed approaching. I do this, too! Some can't wait to celebrate the first day of summer--they break out the swim suits and grills. Not I! I anxiously await the first signs of winter approaching, I break out the boots, sweaters, and comfort food recipes. Yes, sir!

'Tis the months of cold weather! Recenty, in my travels across this great nation of ours, I have had many reminders of the impending winter months. I feel my mood and daily routine begin to change. The feeling of wanting to be nearer to family and friends grows stronger and beckons me to be more domestic...more of the season. And I feel it incumbent upon me to oblige...and I do, most willingly.

I've read the articles and research where scientist try to make a correlation between the weather and one's mood. Supposedly, those subjected to prolonged bouts of dreary weather--weather with overcast skies and low temperatures-- lack vitamin D, thus making one more susceptible to foul moods and depression. I say this is all a bunch of poppycock! I welcome the beautiful gray-hued skies and the plummeting temperatures, along with the leafless trees and the necessity for warmer clothes. And if your winter wardrobe is lacking...hey...there's always shopping to be had!

The winter months bring people together. Studies have been done and proven that couples engage in more acts of love, even! It's true! During this season, we want to be surrounded by warmth--literally or figuratively. We spark up the fireplace and long to be embraced. We visit our local cafe and imbibe our favorite hot drink. Social gatherings with friends and family are a regular occurrence. We blow the dust off of the ol' board games and call up friends to come over for a bit of friendly competition.

We feel more generous. Suddenly, we are reminded of those in need. Whether it's donating canned good to a local food shelter or buying a gift for donation to the local Toys For Tots; we are far more in the spirit of giving than we might be during any other time of the year. It's also a proven fact that lower temperatures slow down the metabolic process of the human body. I believe it's no coincidence that life seems to slow down at lower temperatures as well. This is the time of the year when we slow down long enough to take a moment to remember what's important in life: family, friends, love, and those in need. We take heed to matters which would otherwise pass us by during any other time of the year.

So...to all my fellow bloggers, I encourage you to relish in the change of the Winter season and look about you. Take a full breath of crisp, cool air. Notice the many acts of human kindness performed during this time of year. Participate in them yourself, even. Clean out your closets and donate unwanted clothing to a shelter. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Purchase a box of holiday cards. Address them to important individuals in your life and mail them out. Make a homemade dinner and share it with your family and loved ones. Embrace the season and allow it to overtake you--allow it to enrich your life.

Happy Holidays to all. May you find warmth, kindness and the spirit of goodwill during this--my beloved winter season.

Cheers!
-marla : )

You've Got the Map, Now Follow It

As children, we are encouraged to do what we want, what we dream. We're told we can accomplish anything...if "you only put your mind to it". Our well-meaning parents and mentors will etch these inspiring messages into the recesses of our minds until it becomes fact. We will follow and adhere to these self-affirming messages through adolescence and on into young adulthood; some--to the grave. Nothing will be unattainable in this life. Everything is within one's grasp. "You have to believe"!--and we will.

What about the flip side of this--learning how to accept one's losses? Accepting defeat...with grace and dignity? What of these lessons?

Some things in life are truly beyond our control. This fact transcends spiritual or religious beliefs and it humbles even the proudest of people and there's nothing like the moment where you are forced to embrace this: you're sitting with nothing...nothing but your failed attempts in your otherwise empty hands. Your wants, hopes and dreams...your best laid plans are all washed away by the torrential rain of reality--down and into the gutter of acceptance.

If you will now allow me, I would like to pull out the ol' "God" card at this time. I was raised with a fairly strict Catholic upbringing and my belief in God always came naturally for me. I always felt I was a peculiar child in this regard since none of the other kids seemed to really care much about what God thought of them. But for me, this was a constant thought. I truly tried to live my life according to the commandments and the theory of what goes around will surely come around. To live in this manner was never a stretch for me.

Choosing to live one's life this way, it's easy to expect God to reward you for being so faithful. Because you've been such an exemplary human being, God will shower you with your one true love. You'll have a great family and amazing friends. People will never want to hurt or betray you. Success will follow you throughout your life. Illness and early death will overlook you and your loved ones. Such is not the case. You see, the true believer doesn't expect anything of God. The true believer is just that--a true believer. This means we accept that trials and tribulations that will certainly befall us--the heartache, suffering, grief, loss, etc. We accept that it isn't an accident God chose us to experience this. We accept that within His elaborate plan is a very complex reason--far beyond our very limited understanding.

Choosing to deviate from God's plan is to make a conscious choice to have additional suffering in life. It is a choice to travel along a path littered with the potholes of disappointment and never-ending obstacles, which not only makes for a near-impossible journey, but leads to a mistaken destination--not the one God has intended for us.

Because having faith is to close your eyes and allow yourself to be directed without any preconceived notions or fears except...except for the one notion that God truly does know where your place in this universe and life is. As a mere seed, He planted you in a specific garden. And only in this particular and unique location would you ever be able to fully thrive and blossom. Choosing your own place in this lifetime is to knowingly decide to be less than your best...less than the true greatness He intended for you. It is to knowingly and willingly choose your unhappiness.

Whatever religious or spiritual belief you subscribe to, it's fairly simple. If it feels wrong, then it probably is. If it's caused you pain, then it's not good for you. If you're trying too hard, then it's time to stop trying. Because the things in life that are meant for us and truly add to our well being and life-long happiness are not those things which make us hurt time and time again. They are not those things which reside in darkness. They are not those things which make us feel uncomfortable or ashamed. They are not those things which we do in secret.

And the adversity with which God chooses to bless us is only to make us stronger and more knowledgeable--to arm us for life's tribulations to come. It is meant to show us that which is wrong for us as to create a reference for future situations in order that we might make the right decisions...instead.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go...and try practicing what I preach.

Lose Your Grip

I have been carting around so much emotional baggage for so long that I now have no choice but to let it fall right down to the ground and away from me. As I've taken each painful step through my life for the past 21 months, my white-knuckled fingers have been steadily losing grip and today, they've finally given in to the inevitable fatigue. And frankly--I'm glad. Glad because the burden of carrying this dead weight is no longer mine. It now resides where it should have always taken up residence--the PAST.

For a myriad of reasons, we all do it. We refuse to accept change in whatever form it chooses to appear. When these changes present themselves to us in a seemingly positive form, we are apprehensive to accept, but more likely to go with the flow. Involuntary change?--Not so much. As human beings, we are natural control freaks--creatures of unwavering habit. We all-to-willingly and stubbornly choose to remove ourselves from situations which are counter-productive to inner-growth and potential happiness when all signs point to a one-person exodus. When life becomes a garden overtaken by weeds and all the fruits have ceased to reemerge in the Spring; we still remain--deeply rooted with vain expectancy for the impossible.

For me, it's been Groundhog Day everyday for what seems like an eternity. Maybe I don't perform the same, exact actions, per se, but I have been living in a perpetual fog of pointless questions, unhealthy thoughts and sad memories. The VHS tape playing over and over again in my mind is worn so thin that the dialogue and soundtrack now drag--too distorted to even decipher or accurately recall.

So? What is one to do in such a predicament? Easy!--GET. OVER. IT! MOVE ON! Open the next door and walk over the threshold and into the next phase of your life. There, you will find new opportunities, ideas, resources, friends, lovers, etc...it's all waiting for you! Yes..yes...it's cliche' but it's true: The first step is the hardest. "But I've triiiied!!", you whine. Try harder!

The unknown is scary. Yes, this is true. But the unrealized is even scarier. Quit drowning in the cesspool of your enumerated failings and take firm hold of the safety line you've been given and pull yourself out. Then, wash off all of the past--it's lies, deceit, and negativity. Forgive. Accept. Emerge a shinier and happier version of your former self. And when you're ready...dive into the unpolluted vastness of opportunities that awaits you in the intimidating unknown we call life.

This Brew's For You!

My quest for the perfect coffee house has finally come to an end. The end result? SUCCESS!

My good people, may I introduce you to...The Pearl Cup. This caffeine haven is located at 1900 Henderson Ave. Dallas, TX 75206. The coffee shop is quite literally situated on the corner of Henderson Ave. in the 35 degree-angled corner of a mostly nondescript building.

Come with me as I take you on the tour. There is a very urban feel as you enter the front door and walk onto the stained concrete floors of this establishment. The seating is pretty minimalist in style with simple tables and plastic chairs. There is a full (and lengthy) bar with retro-style swivel bar stools on your left. At the far end is an ultra-comfy, red couch that welcomes you as soon as you plop onto/into its cushions. Spherical light fixtures hang from the ceiling the entire length of the cafe, allowing for the perfect amount of low-lit ambiance. The exposed ceiling beams and air ducts give this place a very industrial feel. There's also a great brick wall which lends itself to this on-going theme. Original artworks hang throughout the cafe and even adorn the bathroom doors. Like what you see? These pieces are for sale! I'd like to snag one for myself, even! The overall feel is laid back and chill. The patrons are a perfect mix of artsy and unique. And best of all??--friendly.

Alright! Alright! Enough with the architectural/interior design lesson, already. The coffee. The coffee! It's amazing. The friendly staff is obviously well-trained and experienced. I dare you to try and trip up the baristas with complicated questions. I'm confident they'd pass with flying colors.

The Pearl Latte seems to be the most popular drink of choice. If you're watching your fat/calorie intake, you can try the healthier version--The Pearl Latte-Light. Having had my share of The Pearl Latte-Light, I can tell you that it is amazing. It's comfort in a glass mug with just the right amount of perfectly-textured foam. If you're really lucky, your barista will add a little something creative to your latte--delicately and masterfully-drawn foam art. Looking for something stronger?--The espresso is superb. The baristas manually pull the espresso shots as opposed to using an automatic espresso machine like many large coffee chains. A true coffee lover would appreciate and know the difference...and you will, too!

The prices vary per drink order, of course, but are comparable to other coffee house establishments. If you happen to find the cost for your latte, coffee, etc., to be a little high; I assure you...it will be worth it. If you plan on using your lappie while here, you'll be happy to know that Wi-Fi is available and...FREE!

Don't be discouraged by the apparent lack of parking in front, either. You'll find adequate parking in the rear.

If you dig really good music, you'll find that here, too. I asked one of my favorite baristas where they pipe the music in from and found out that it's neither streaming nor satellite, but straight outta the ol' iPod. That's correct! They're so cool here that they welcome your iPod and will allow you to plug it in to share with the other patrons and voila!--a music-sharing experience.

So give The Pearl Cup a shot (no pun intended). You won't be disappointed.

Oh, yeah! Mind the industrial-strength hand dryer in the bathroom...or you may literally be blown away by this place!

-m : )

Recycle THIS!

It seems more and more people are becoming hip to the green movement--recycling anything and everything. Most recently, you may have heard of clothing lines and designers going a more organic route with the fabrics they choose to use as well as and obviously, the way in which their clothing is made with respect to effects on the environment. Vintage and consignment stores are also gaining popularity through this movement and it's becoming a win-win situation for all involved.

We've all bought something off of eBay or craigslist that is gently worn or more appropriately categorized--used. Now, some of you may not be able to fathom the concept of wearing something that once belonged to someone else, but it's really not that big a deal. We're okay with having some one's organs transplanted into our bodies but we won't wear used clothes? Okay, maybe that's a drastic analogy, but really. You may not realize this, but many items sold are actually new, never before worn or worn fewer times than you can count on one hand.

It's simple really: the more we reuse, the less we create; thus reducing the amount of pollutants into the environment. So, having begun this post with a lengthy preface, I will now get to the guts of it: resale boutiques! Yes, folks. It's now considered trendy to shop for used clothing, shoes, accessories, even furniture...you name it!

Today, I went into my closet and surveyed the situation. "How much of this stuff do I actually wear?" Upon answering my own question, I discovered that there is quite a lot in the average person's closet which goes unused. The reasons vary as to why we all allow this to happen, but the outcome is the same--wasted space and opportunity. You're wondering what the heck opportunity has to do with this. There are resale boutiques right under our noses just waiting to snatch up our stuff and they'll pay you for it, too! The process goes a little something like this: gather up all of your unwanted goodies and take them over. Someone will go through the items and decide what can be resold and what can't. Once a resale price is figured out, you get a percentage of that (usually around 35%). Whatever items are not chosen for resale are given back to you or in some cases, you can opt to have them donated to the establishment's charity of choice. Or if you're that attached to them, you can have them back as suvenirs.

I chose to go to Buffalo Exchange located on Greenville Avenue in Dallas. I had 3 pairs of shoes, all hardly ever worn and still in boxes, along with 1 t-shirt, 3 blouses and one pair of jeans. I was offered nearly $5o for the resalable items and what wasn't resalable, I decided to have donated to a local women's shelter. I left with a little extra cash in my pocket and feeling good for having donated to a worthy cause.

Don't forget...you can also shop at these places. While I waited for my items to be priced, I did a little browsing. You'd be amazed what I spotted: Juicy Couture, True Religion, BCBG, Burberry and so many other great designers. And these clothes were in amazing condition!

So...ready to get in on the action? If you live in the Dallas area, try checking out some of the links below:

CLOTHING
http://www.reventeresale.com/
http://www.ayresale.com/
http://www.largerdallas.com/index.html
http://www.buffaloexchange.com/

HOME
http://www.mydulce.com/
http://www.consignmentsolution.com/
http://www.consignment-collection.com/
http://www.consignmentgalleries.net/

Happy buying and selling.

-m

Have It So Good

Yesterday started out okay enough. It was the last day of my trip and I'd be meeting a friend afterward for a home-cooked meal and drinks. Everything seems relatively right in my world until...

I was barely beginning my first flight of the day when my mood changes from happy indifference to down right bitchy. I failed to follow through with my plan to sleep for at least 7 hours the night prior and I'm regretting sent emails, spoken words, something someone inconsequential might have said and I've also waited until the deadline to deal with some important paperwork for school, which will be impossible to do because I will not arrive back home until long after business hours are over.

The thought of these occurrences will fester and eat away at me for the majority of the day and I won't be as friendly as I typically am with passengers or co-workers. I do the minimum to get me through, while feeling both angry with and sorry for myself. That is, until he boards my flight.

His name is Diego. He is a high school kid from Albuquerque, NM, traveling with his sister and mother. He is being wheeled from the jet-bridge to the entrance of the airplane and obviously will need assistance getting to his seat. Once his mother and sister get him settled, they prop his leg, which is in a cast, onto a tower of pillows and fasten him into his seat belt.

As soon as I meet Diego, it is obvious to me that he has some sort of physical and/or mental challenges. My mood changes immediately and my nurturing side instinctively kicks in. I want to help him as much as I can...making sure his every need can be met.

Diego's speech is severely impaired, but he does speak and his family is able to understand him. Right away, it becomes quite apparent to me that he is a happy young man with a deep love for life and his family. His sister dotes on his every need, as does his mother. Every action they take toward his needs is filled with love and zero reluctance or resentfulness.

Diego has a black and red cast on his left leg which extends from his foot to just below his knee. I ask his family about the cast and Diego realizes that I am talking about him. With this, he speaks something into his sister's ear and she "translates" for him. He has reminded her that he specifically asked the doctor to make his cast in his high school colors--red and black. There is no mistaking his pride for his school.

Diego's sister administers some pain medication to help with the discomfort of his leg. It isn't long before he begins to drift off to sleep, laying his head upon her lap. She so lovingly pats his head while he sleeps and asks me for some pillows. I bring her a few pillows along with some blankets and together we get Diego tucked in for his nap.

It is now time for the flight to commence and I buckle myself into my jump seat and get ready to take off. The entire time, I find myself unable to pull my glance or attention away from Diego and the interaction between him and his family. Their love and devotion to one another is astounding. It touches my heart on a level I can't explain; so much in fact, that I am overcome with emotion. I have to really try to keep my composure as the plane continues to gain altitude. As soon as I know I can stand up without falling over, I get up from my jump seat and walk over to the cover of my galley where the passengers are unable to see me. I begin to cry.

I don't cry because I feel sorry for Diego, I cry because I feel sorry for myself. Sorry because here I am...so blessed...so lucky to be healthy, sharp-minded and able-bodied to do anything I could ever possibly hope to do and yet, I allow the most petty of circumstances to bring me to a level of unhappiness so severe that it has interrupted an entire day of my life. This is asinine!

It turns out that Diego was flying back home to Albuquerque after having surgery in Los Angeles in order to correct a malformation of his left foot which caused his big toe to become misplaced under his foot, making stepping/walking very painful and near impossible. He would be returning to L.A. after six weeks for further procedures and follow-up. I hope that I am lucky enough to work his flight. It was an immense pleasure and privilege to be able to serve him and his family.

When I said my good-byes to Diego and his family, I was so sad to see them go. I so wanted to get to know them better and more of Diego's story. I wanted to know all I could about this incredible and fascinating human being. Because he inspired me that day. He showed me something that was always right in front of me. And as a result, I will do my best to never take my life or each new day for granted. I will do by best to not allow the small things of life to grow larger than I am.

I shared the story of Diego with our First Officer and his response was, "yeah, sometimes we forget that we have it so good." He's right.

I dedicate this blog post to Diego--the amazing young man who truly impacted my life in 2 hours. I will always remember him.

'Till next time...

Get a life!

-m

Does misery breed creativity??...

I ask myself.

While enjoying the company of my best friend and a cup of coffee today, a thought occurred to me: I'm not nearly as creative or inspired when I'm not sulking or dealing with a catastrophic crisis. As I came to this realization, it was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I don't want to be unhappy and miserable even if it means that I'm less of a pen and more of an eraser. This can be changed, can't it??

The most amazing lyrics, books, poems, music, paintings, sculptures, photos, etc., etc. were the spawn of a horrible event in someone's life, which without...there would be nothing. I don't want to be devoid of the amazing thoughts my mind finds itself overflowing with when I find life too difficult to deal with...when I lay in bed for days and days crying my eyes out over lost love or lack of coping mechanisms.

Then I had a bit of an epiphany: greatness has also come from happiness and positive events in the lives of others. So, why can't it come from mine?--now--when I feel I have a better grasp on my life and a bit of happiness? The answer: It CAN! And it WILL!

So, starting today...I will change what surely can be changed--a bad habit. Change only takes place with effort and want for change. Well, I want it...I want change--change for the better. And as soon as I change my train of thought and focus my positive energy into the creative part of my brain, which incidentally is the right side; I will find my creative juices being pulled toward the magnet that is the new-found happiness and contentment which resides comfortably within my mind, body and soul.

I consider this long, overdue post to be the first of many projects which are to come from the brighter side of my life.

Cheers!
-m

ah, the sweet sound of the saxophone

Uh, okay...maybe not??

A former friend of mine and I used to completely get a kick out of things like this. You know what I'm talking about. You pick apart a song and solely judge it based on the producer's mistake to go overboard with a particular instrument? Well, the instrument that comes to mind for me is the saxophone.

Don't get me wrong...I love the saxophone. I, myself, played the alto sax in school and realize and appreciate the sound...in certain songs and in moderation.

There is a fine line that separates the musically genius from the utterly cheesy.
Case in point: "baker street" by Jerry Rafferty. I realize that musicians can't really be faulted by the choices they make because they are inevitably influenced by the era. That being said, there is no mistaking the era from which "baker street" was born. The late 70's--1978 to be exact.

The seductive, sex-slathered saxophone sings the sweet sound(whoa! say *that* ten times fast!) of a perfect 1970's porn soundtrack. Then they strive to keep the disco era alive with the synthesized "beats" which can be heard throughout the song.

Lastly, there is the electric guitar solo. Nothing says "cheesy" like a completely misplaced guitar solo. Oh, the desperation in each string-strumming...the unadulterated wailing. Someone please put this thing out of its misery.

Another song that demonstrates the misuse and misplacement of the saxophone can be heard in "I Still Believe" by Tim Copello, featuring Guy Buff on saxophone. It was featured on The Lost Boys soundtrack. I am guilty of having owned this soundtrack as a kid. I, along with other pubescent young girls, was obsessed (to say the least) with the movie and the vampire phenomenon the movie created.

The saxophone emits a sense of urgency or a call to action in "I Still Believe", as if to say, "One and all, come and join the forces against the violent and horrifying vampires that plague the city of Santa Monica. I know they all have strikingly good looks, but you needn't be swayed by such shallow attributes and should instead stand up against the evil among us and strike with a vengeance!! My saxophone solo will evoke the worrior-spirit in each of you as your ears fall on every high-pitched, reed-vibrating screech!"

I'm sure the good times we have all shared listening to our woodwind friend, the saxophone, have not come to an end. If history repeats itself, as do trends; then there is sure to be more saxophone goodness on the horizon.

Cheers.

-m

Big Time

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say "I used everything you gave me"" - Jason Huang

I feel I must preface by saying that I'm guilty of asking people/friends repeatedly if they "know what I mean???" It is so important to me to have relationships with people who can truly empathize with me and my thought process. So, I'm so very grateful to have stumbled upon Jason's quote right before I was about to go to bed (yes...bed...at 0733). If not for its discovery, I wouldn't have the inspiration for this very blog.

I remember being told as a child that it is a sin to not use the talents which God gives us. I never really found any tangible truth in that, but as an adult; I feel I have a far greater understanding of that statement.

Here's the deal, folks. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be all that religious. Spiritual??--yes. They say God apparently gives us silly humans free will. As a kid, I believed we all had our own neatly-bound book of life. Within this book, existed all we would ever do and there would be no deviating from the words encased within its hard covers. Wrong. This is wrong! Because of free will, we all have a choice in the matter. Well, *some* choice in the matter. I will explain the concept with the following analogy: It's like being the car when we take it to be washed. You drive up to the opening of this mechanical washing giant, where you are instructed to place your car in neutral, remove your foot from the brake/gas pedal and hands from the steering wheel. Your vehicle is now completely being controlled by this huge machine. If you should try to regain control in some manner, before you're instructed to do so; you risk something going terribly wrong.

I am guilty of trying to control that which I have no control over. We all are. When we decide to let go and allow ourselves to be directed by that which is greater than we; everything happens as it should--correctly and seemingly effortlessly.

I adopted this way of thinking nearly two years ago and life just seems so much easier. To me, life is just one, big improvised act. We wing it daily based upon the constant reactions taking place around and within ourselves. The hardest part is merely trusting in the decisions we make based on these outside forces.

So what have these forces been telling me? Well, I've always loved to sing and I want to do it one day in front of a crowd without reservations. I've always loved to write, hence this blog. I am able to express myself and use my love for writing and hopefully entertain those who stop by to read it. Additionally, I continue to write poetry and music. It is my hope that I may someday publish my poems and even a book or two. I have actually been writing since I was a kid, but unfortunately; I have nothing saved from my childhood years. Go figure. And as for the songs--I hope to learn guitar or piano in order to write the music to accompany the words. My father has played guitar his whole life and the child within me wants to incorporate him/his help to initiate the whole process. Who knows?? It could be great and maybe you'll see me on a stage someday performing. That would really make me happy. But let me make one thing clear--it would be for the love of music, certainly not for the hope of riches and fame. I'm really not about all that.

Let me not forget my most active passion these days--photography. Mostly self-taught as with most of my "talents", I hope to become more knowledgeable of techniques and styles. Also, it would be nice to be able to expand my abilities with nicer equipment. I see photography in my future and the thought of this brings me so much joy. I can't wait until someone on the other side of my camera feels the same way.

So how am I doing so far? I Think I will have used up all of my God-given talents when it's my time to go. This blog really brings to mind Peter Gabriel's "big time". It pretty much sums up for me how I have always felt and still feel about my life, thus far.

Open up and say...

... you can...you will...you hope to... you haven't given it much thought, but you will now...you'll at least give it a try...you won't judge unless you've been there...you will look beyond your nose...you will be open-minded...you used to do/be those things/that way, but you're working on it...it could always be worse...you're sorry...what's been bothering you...what's on your mind despite the reaction of others..."I LOVE YOU" *now* or risk never having the chance again... "NO" when you mean no..."YES" when you mean yes...you didn't do it, but you know who did...you need help..."get out and get lost"...what's happening isn't right...someone needs to do something about it...you want to make a difference...what needs to be said.

Don't beat around the proverbial bush with your metaphors, play on words, euphemisms, if's, and's...or's. Be a man, woman.. someone who matters and say what you came here to say.

I feel I have wasted a great deal of my life being silent. Initially because of shyness and a myriad of other reasons thereafter. Saying too much may get you into trouble but saying *nothing*???--well, it gets you just that.

"sing your life"-morrisey

and

S P E A K

no catalyst = no reaction

I've been coasting for far too long...it's officially official. It's easy to get caught up in oblivion and ignorance when you feel you've been drowning in a sea of overwhelming problems, eventually you either sink or swim, right? I *think* I swam. Or maybe I was thrown a life preserver and I'm content to float aimlessly in the water and not exert the energy it takes to kick/paddle to the rescue boat. That's pretty pathetic.

This past year, I've been given a million-and-one chances to succeed in anything and everything I choose to do. I have been serendipitously lucky and been shocked and even amazed by it all, yet done absolutely nothing to ride out the streak of luck to its fullest. I couldn't *pray* or *hope* to have this kind of luck. I've given luck a half-ass "thanks" and moved along from it ungratefully in order to continue in a state of not caring too much or not caring at all. Simply put, I fear I am moving up on the list of people who are about to get kicked in the stomach by bad karma. Yes, folks...I'm a believer in karmic energy and the big karmic cycle. Is it bad karma to accept the gifts which God and the universe throw our way only to accept them because they've been free-falling into your lap for so long and you have now grown accustomed to/taken it all for granted?? Maybe the meaningfulness of it all seems to have worn off, kind of the way "i love you" doesn't hold the same butterfly-inducing feeling it once did when it was said at the start of a new relationship but instead sounds the same as saying "ok, thanks..whatever" at present.

There are a hundred-and-one things that I want to do...accomplish...experience in this life. I want to do them all to the best of my ability and I want to do them *now*. Problem is that there are half-finished projects strewn about me as I type this blog out. There is a half-moved-into apartment in which I reside. There is a half-washed/half-maintained car which I drive. When will I complete these tasks? Better yet, *how* will I complete these tasks? For crying out loud...I have half-written "to-do" lists laying about the floor of my apartment. Some have a line or two marked through one or two tasks. Some lists show no sign of having been considered. My voice messages continue pile up on my phone to the point where my in-box is full and no more messages can be left. I answer the phone...maybe..maybe not. I'll think about it.

There is a grossly evident lack of resolve, initiative and follow-through. Stop the madness! I write this blog as a kick-start to the process. Maybe reading my own words and knowing that it is now public knowledge to anyone will spur some inspiration within me to move forward and complete the incomplete, half-begunNESS that has become my life.

Take a note out of my page, folks. Go forth and *do* something. Use me as the example of what *not* to do and how *not* to go about doing things (or not doing things, as it were). This is a contagious condition and our world cannot exist, nay, *survive* this sort of degenerative, lazy-ass disorder going around. It could spell the end of civilization as we know it. eeK!

'Til next time...

-m

*taptaptap* is this thing on??

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is marla, aka marlabeens for the past 10 years or so (give or take a couple). At the start of my Internet experience (1995), I had the user name jellybeen. It was swiped. Then I switched over to jellybeens. It too was nabbed. Afterwards, jellibeens. bzzT! Taken as well. I then graduated to marlabeen and now finally...marlabeens. I think this is it as for as user names go. I think user names are a bit more proprietary than they used to be say, just a few years ago. I don't believe anyone wants to be *that* guy--the person who is so devoid of imagination and creativity that the only option they feel they have is to covet another's flippin' user name.

As I sit on my bed, eating 3-day old, left-over spaghetti, I wonder what the heck I could possibly write about that you, the reader, will find interesting. I haven't been keeping up with politics or current events lately, so that won't be on the agenda for at least a couple weeks as I will have to play catch-up. I haven't been reading the current US Magazine or visiting the ol' TMZ site, so I won't be able to comment on the latest Hollywood hoopla. I haven't even been to work in nearly six weeks. So, I can't say much about that either. So what *have* I been up to, you ask? Well, I haven't been up to much, really. I recently moved into a new apartment, so that was quite eventful. Moving is never fun, so I will spare the bullcrap about that and just say how much it really sucked having to move--yet again. My new apartment is nicer and situated in a quieter (thank GOD!) area of Dallas. The crowd around here is in the same age-group and mostly everyone is college educated and health-conscious. I say this only because most of these people throw on their running gear once they arrive home from work and hit the pavement.

I should join this group of health-conscious people and I will, just as soon i feel like it. The problem is that I recently discovered or uncovered something I hadn't been able to find for quite some time--my self. Now how is it that someone can lose something so major as one's self? Well, it doesn't just happen overnight. One doesn't just emerge from bed one morning completely unaware that it's missing. This happens over time and you don't realize it until all the clutter and distractions of your "life" have gone...disappeared, leaving you with nothing but yourself. Only by this point, you have no clue who that person is. This is your cue to become reacquainted with yourself. This is where you sit down with yourself quite similarly as you would sit with a stranger and pick their brains. Only the brain-picking is being done by yourself TO yourself.

I am currently in the third official month of this process. I should be in the nineteenth month or so of this process, but I haven't exactly been in a hurry to begin. Getting to know one's self isn't exactly a picnic. I have found out things about myself that I don't find particularly pleasant. As I discover more and more about myself, I try to change my life and mold it to fit this new-found self.

Eh, I feel myself growing quite bored of the subject at hand for two reasons: 1. It is approximately 0500 and 2. I do so much of this self-discovering that it bores me to tears to talk about it.

Well, that's all for today. I assure you, the topics will increase in likability as well as entertainment-factor as the days go by.

Thanks for reading.
-m